Last week, some good friends stopped by for a quick overnight visit. Between our families, we had 12 children in one house. I’ll say that again: we had 12 children in one house.
Aside from other moms of big families and daycare providers, that thought gives some of you the vapors. It was actually fun for us, and particularly Becky and I, because we experience close-up kid-time every day as stay-at-home moms (SAHMs). It’s a role that many people aren’t familiar with outside of a few outliers like us, so I thought I’d tackle a few myths about us. Myths, after all, contain some threads of truth, so all the more reason to put to flight some fantasies with some cold, harder, milk-sopped, crumb-scatteredtruth.
1)You must have a lot of patience.
Excuse me while I recover from almost dying of laughter, but, well, no. Just because I’m around my children all day long doesn’t mean I’ve got a peaceful, unflappable disposition. What SAHMhood has taught me is that I either choose to live under a cloud of burning frustration at the paces and behaviors of my children, or I take responsibility for my reactions and learn (sometimes agonizingly) self-control. One result? During the visit, the kids waited patiently for food. After all, Becky and I have a combined 18 years of full immersion in taking deep breaths and setting the tone, andthis is keythe kids have learned from this. Sure, sometimes (OK, often) we yell, and we know that affects (re: revs up) the kids’ moods. But we’re practicing patience, slowly and over time, because we sure didn’t start these gigs with a full dose.
2)You must have a lot of money.
This one is funny, because some people think SAHM families live cushily with a big cash reserve or a massive wage-earner. Others think we are dirt poor, precisely because we survive on one income. The truth is somewhere in the middlewe’ve learned to differentiate between needs and wants. Financial gurus preach about budgeting and living within your means, and only as a SAHM have I learned how to practically live that out. We know now that our true needs are few, and we’ve also learned that God always provides. Sometimes it’s in ways we wouldn’t personally choose, but that’s most of life. So we plan meals and shop food sales, buy clothes secondhand, and budget for both little and big expenses (like not eating out much and staying with friends on trips). We may not have a lot of money, but we make do with what we’ve got.
3)You must be really good at cooking/cleaning/kid wrangling.
Ha! Nope again. We’ve learned through hard-won experience how to manage our households. The fact is, some SAHMs are domestically talented, but most of us are learners-in-process. Becky and I, for example, didn’t take on SAHMhood because we were already prequalified cooks or really good home economists. Instead, we trusted that we’d learn and keep on learning well enough to provide for our families (or, some days, just keep them alive). Most moms, even non-SAHMs, think the same thing about motherhood generally.
4)You must lack opportunities/ambition.
To be fair, no one actually says this directly. It’s more of a “Shirley grabbed that opportunity” and “Sheila’s got ambition,” and those admirable comments aren’t directed at SAHMs. In a career-focused society, this makes sense, because SAHMs don’t fit that mold. SAHMs, though, don’t lack opportunities or ambition; it’s just that they’re not typically directed toward personal professional (re: paid) advancement. Along with domestic skills, I’m learning how to grow intellectually alongside my children through extensive reading. Becky’s learning Latin. We both strive to cultivate inviting homes where learning opportunities abound. After all, ambition comprises more than just leaning-in to the business and professional world. Almost always, it includes rigorous self-discipline and prioritizing, and SAHMhood provides for this in spades.
5)You must like bonbons.
I’d never turn down an offered sweet, to be sure. But my preferencesand Becky’s, tooare more along the lines of dark chocolate and a sweet glass of wine.
6)Your hands are full.
This myth is actually true, for now. All too soon, though, my hands will be extra wrinkled and mostly emptyactually, how they felt when our friends drove away. So I cherish the chaos, and Becky does, too, even when we feel crazy. Things will be quiet enough in the future, so we’ll take the challenges and joys of SAHMhood with gratitude.
Emily Olson lived in Pipestone for 10 years before her and husband, Jon, and their five children, recently and temporarily relocated to Sioux Falls.
