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Southwest Christian senior pole vaulter Kaitlyn Schuur tries to keep cool during competition at the MSHSL Class A girls’ state track & field meet, June 18 at St. Michael-Alberville High School in St. Michael. K. Kyle
Atop.
A place recent Southwest Christian graduate and student/athlete Kaitlyn Schuur is physically accustomed to in regard to her pole-vaulting career. She’s occupied the uppermost position in the final standings at numerous high school track & field meets, most recently ascending to the apex in her event at a height of 11 feet, two inches at the Section 3A meet June 10 in Redwood Falls – breaking her own school record, as well as eclipsing long-standing meet and stadium records set by Josie Lilja (2014, 11’-1’) and Bobbi Jo Buyck (2006, 10’-9”), respectively.
A week later, Schuur, who qualified for the MSHSL girls’ state track & field meet, June 18 at St. Michael-Albertville High School in St. Michael, with the best mark in Minnesota (Class A), was prepared to climb the podium once more as a state champion.
Or was she?
“I went into the meet feeling absolutely nothing, no excitement, and practically no fear,” said Schuur, who will attend and compete in women’s pole vault at North Dakota State University in Fargo, N.D. this fall. “I was able to lead the Class A girl pole vaulters in prayer before the meet and I am so grateful I had the opportunity to do that. But honestly … while I was praying, all I could think about was how much I would rather be dead; how much I wish I didn’t have to take another breath or keep fighting my depression.”
Southwest Christian student-athlete Kaitlyn Schuur leads the Class A pole vaulters in a per-event prayer at the state track & field meet June 18 at St. Michael-Albertville High School in St. Michael. Submitted photo
It’s a battle nearly two million adolescents (1.9 million, ages 3-17), according to Centers for Disease Control – Data and Statistics on Children’s Mental Health (2018) – wage on a daily basis. And major depression, also known as unipolar or major depressive disorder (MDD), which is characterized by a persistent feeling of sadness or a lack of interest in outside stimuli, is most common among people ages 18-25.
Although Schuur cannot recall a time in her life when she didn’t have thoughts of self-harm, and only recently – in taking on the ardors of therapy again – was surprised to learn that ‘normal’ six-year-olds didn’t have thoughts of ‘running on the highway.’
“To start therapy again was hard, actually digging into it, because I didn’t realize how many things in my childhood were not ‘normal,’” said the Chandler native. “I spent a lot of days where I just couldn’t do anything. Depression is a killer and I’ve spent most of my life with depression; my mother has depression and it runs pretty deep in the family.
“I remember being outside playing as a kid and going inside and … all lights were turned off; the blinds were shut and depression would just … hit you. I’m not blaming my mom or anyone, but she was ill when I was growing up and it affected me and my brother.”
Southwest Christian senior Kaitlyn Schuur poses for a senior photo with a few of the many medals she’s won as one of the premier girls’ high school pole vaulters in the state. Schuur will attend classes and pole vault at North Dakota State University in Fargo, N.D. in the fall. Kimberly Williams
Schuur’s first, short-lived stint in therapy came about as a result of journal prompts she’d written in the fifth grade while attending Murray County Central schools in Slayton. Designed to get used to writing and tuning into the creative side of composition, Schuur’s offerings were seen as being ‘too deep and too dark for a fifth-grader.’ The recommended therapy was not for Schuur, who regularly snuck off to school to get away from sessions.
“I hated it; I thought I was old, mature, and the whole room was filled with baby toys and arts and crafts and, afterward, they’d kick me out to talk with my mom,” she said. “Finally, I told them I didn’t need it.”
Schuur’s mental health didn’t improve and after being hospitalized in the seventh grade and switching to Southwest Christian Schools in Edgerton midway through her eighth-grade year, Schuur hoped to start high school with a ‘clean slate.’
“So, I put on a happy face; ask anybody at Southwest and they’d tell you how chipper I was, dancing down the halls screaming compliments at people at 8 a.m.” she said. “I’m pretty sure half the school was annoyed at me.”
Still in denial that she had unipolar depression, and not exactly sure of the weight her mother’s bipolar disorder, other family mental illness and addiction had on her, Schuur was again hospitalized, checking in at the Avera Behavioral Health Center in Sioux Falls, S.D. for a week – midway through (late April) her senior track & field season.
“I went through a breakthrough this time around, and I realized that I truly didn’t think I was going to make it to the first day of my freshman year,” she said, “I hadn’t let myself process the seventh-grade suicide letters, didn’t process much about it for nearly four years of high school … until the last month of it. And it was really, really hard coming to terms that for most of high school, I was in cold, hard denial. The doctor said my denial probably saved my life. And, I know it sounds weird; but once my depression realized that I realized I was in high school it was in complete game mode – in for the kill. It was so hard, really bad.
“My depression had always been there; when realized that, decide to finally face it, I didn’t realize how much bigger it gotten. I’d always tried to shove it down, pretend it wasn’t there, put on my best face. When I decided to face the music, that monster, it got really big, and scarier than I’d remembered it.”
Coming out of the hospital and trying to pick up where she left off, in regard to both school and athletics, proved equally difficult. Although she had an off week (no competition), training was difficult.
Summoning up energy to train was often futile and often left Schuur virtually immobile, and the usual butting of heads with her dad/coach was especially trying, as she was well aware of all he’d put into her training since she’d undertaken the sport.
“My dad has done so much for me and given me every opportunity,” she said. “We’d go to the cities, went to the Junior Olympics my freshman year, and nationals; he fully supported me. He bought pole vault pits for me and the school to train with, I have my own poles, and those aren’t cheap, I trained at the Altuis factory in Texas, where they’re made (Jacksonville, TX), and he’s just put so much into it. Even at the risk of being labeled the bad guy at work – even though he’s the owner of the business – because he’d take off work to go to meets.”
Continuing to battle her depression, trying numerous (still trying) combinations and dosages of medications to treat the symptoms of her mental strife, and training only sporadically – with graduation and the track & field postseason looming – Schuur eventually picked up a pole and gave it a go, May 4 in Pipestone.
And a kind gesture from Wallace Jennings, the school’s pole vault coordinator as well as Pastor at Faith Community Church in Pipestone, went a long way in helping Schuur make positive strides.
“He comes up to me and gives me one of those rubber bracelets, with Isaiah 40:31 on it,” she recalled. “He told me, ‘A youth pastor gave it to me today, and I thought of you … this is for you.’ I’ve worn it every single meet, practically every day, since, and it means so much to me – had a big impact on me in my first meet back.”
“It’s the verse she has on the side of the bag she keeps her poles in,” Wallace added. “It looks like she’s done it (verse) in athletic tape, not something you’d find on Etsy or anything, a cool custom job. When I saw that I thought, ‘I bet she’d like it.’ The verse says, ‘but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.’”
Powerful and poignant, the bracelet with the verse inscribed on its surface, not only speaks to Schuur’s Christian beliefs, but also to the young lady’s commitment to her God and her faith – astonishingly, on occasion, at odds in her battle with depression.
“I thought I was a bad Christian because I had these thoughts of hurting myself … of killing myself really often,” she said. “It’s really hard as a Christian because people tell you, ‘Just pray more; you shouldn’t be sad or depressed, you should just pray more.’ It’s so heartbreaking to see how many Christians believe that.
“I could be on the top of my world; I broke that section meet record and the stadium record and PR’d and all I could think about was about how much I wanted to die. That shouldn’t happen. You shouldn’t want to kill yourself if you’re doing so great. I kept quite so long about it because I thought, ‘Christians shouldn’t be depressed.’ Looking at my life I have no reason to be depressed. I have such a supportive and loving family. I went to a Christian school to learn more about my God and my faith; my life doesn’t add up to ‘equal’ being depressed, especially with my pole vault accomplishments, but I am and that sucks!”
Schuur placed second at the state meet.
Though she didn’t reach her goal of becoming a state champion, the pre-event prayer, support of her Class A teammates who shared in that prayer, their thanks and wishes and … her runner-up finish, have been cathartic in Schuur not only gaining a new perspective, but also her voice.
“I want to tell my story and about battling depression and still being able to come back,” she said. “I really wanted state gold, but I was still able to pray with all the girls beforehand. So, many of the girls, and their parents, came up to me after the competition and thanked me. And being able to share my faith and help people is so much more important to me than state gold.”
Schuur’s story is not unique, and more and more athletes of various ages and skill levels have begun sharing their accounts of living with depression and the effects the disease has had on their ability to thrive in their respective endeavors.
The stigma of depression is different from that of other mental illnesses and largely due to the negative nature of the illness that can make those suffering with the disease feel unattractive and appear unreliable.
“It’s really hard to talk about things when you’re ashamed,” Abby Wambach, an American retired soccer player, coach, two-time Olympic gold medalist, a FIFA Women’s World Cup champion and a member of the National Soccer Hall of Fame told the Associated Press. “And I’m not ashamed about what happened to me anymore because it led me to where I’m at right now. I’m proud of where I’m at.”
And Schuur, following a record-setting high school track & field career in southwest Minnesota, is at a place where her mindset is more focused on the work; the work on treating, coming to terms with and teaching others about her disease while also sharing her Christian beliefs.
“Spreading the word of God so important to me,” she said. “It’s one of the most important aspects of the Bible, in what you say and in what you do. ‘By their deeds you will know them (Matthew 7:16).’
“I’m doing workbooks on it, reading, constantly in my Bible. I use my prayer journal in a way that helps give me strength to get through it and … share it. I’ve been able to share it through Instagram; and it made me feel like I was helping people and being honest.”
Perhaps soaring on eagles’ wings once more, atop.